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Ask Dr. Sells Mailbag
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When your child leaves a pile of ... Mulch Dear Parenting with Love and Limits, I have been reading your book
"Parenting Your Out-Of-Control Teenager." Recently my step-son and I
signed a contract in which he agreed to mulch the front yard for $60. I
gave him a week to complete the task, which expires tomorrow night at
midnight. During the past week, he has spent only an
hour spreading mulch. Before I ordered the mulch, I asked him if
was willing to spread it to make some money. He agreed. I made up a
service agreement that includes the type of service, time of completion,
payment, and general provisions that we both signed. He is now
complaining that he doesn't have enough time to complete the task. By the
way, he spends most of his awake time skateboarding. Other than not
paying him the money if he doesn't complete the task, should there be any other
consequences since I now have six yards of mulch that I will have to spread
myself. Jan Hello Jan (mom of the excess mulch), I received your email that you sent to Dr. Scott
Sells. I am the Clinical Director for Parenting with Love and Limits (Dr.
Sells' Organization) and I would like to respond to your question. First of all, I must say, I appreciate your creativity
and attention to details in your contract with your son to mulch the front
yard. It appears that you are teaching him a valuable lesson of "the real
world" that you don't get something for free! Including the type of
service, time of completion, payment, and provisions is awesome. So, you are definitely covered in not owing your son
the payment if he does not meet the above criteria. Unfortunately, it
sounds as if your agreement with your son was presented as an "opportunity" and
not as something that he was "obligated to do" with pre-written consequences if
he failed to comply. Remember, as chapter 2 (pp. 29-66) states, if it is
not written down, your teen will "drive a Mack truck through it"! The best thing you can do at this point, to continue
the "life lessons" for your son would be to hire someone else to do the
mulching and give them the $60! Perhaps one of your son's friends would
be looking to earn some spending money! I hope my words have been helpful ... you are definitely
on the right track with recognizing that agreements need to be in
writing. Warm regards, Ellen It's time to shape up or ship out Hello! I just got the book, Parenting
Your Out-or-Control Teenager, from the library. My daughter is nineteen, soon
to be twenty. She graduated high school two years ago and is doing
nothing. Three months ago she finally passed her written exam to be a
hair stylist after 3 tries. In order to try to motivate her to study for the test, I told her that I would buy her
a car. She does not have her driver's license, only a permit. It took her about
7 times to pass the written driver's test. I paid for one driving lesson for
her and offered to pay for more but she claims that she knows how to
drive. About two years ago, we bought her a small truck, but it was
stick shift and she refused to have anything to do with it, so we finally sold
it My husband, her dad, does not believe we should
give her a car. She sleeps all day and goes out with her friends to parties,
etc. at night. She has no job now (she quit her last one 6 months ago
because they won't give her a weekend off) She claims
that if we buy her a car, she can move on with her life: get her license,
get a job, and enroll in college. We went to a counselor briefly, but she doesn't
feel she needs it. We have a contract with her that states she is to be home at
11 during the week. She pretty much ignores it and claims that she can't
because she has to depend on people to take her home. We have kicked her out at
least three or four times now telling her to get a job and follow the rules or
live elsewhere. Each time she returns, she says she will and then it goes back
to the way things were. We are at the end of our rope. She keeps saying that
she is an adult. The counselor said that she was being a
rebellious fourteen year old. Also, we cannot
even go away for the weekend because while we are gone, she has friends over
partying. Her boyfriend is 21 and not working either. He lost his license
for drunk driving. I want to get her a car on one
hand because hopefully then she will get a job etc, but my husband says
that she's going to kill herself or someone else and that she's not ready yet.
Please help us!!!! P.S. She doesn't want any old car either She wants a
"newer" car with power windows and doors, cd player, 4 doors, automatic, etc. My husband and I
are both driving 13 year old cars with roll-up windows and no cd players. Hello Mom of Difficult Daughter, I received your email concerning your daughter.
I am the Clinical Director of Parenting with Love and Limits and would like to
respond to your concerns. First, let me commend you and your husband for
recognizing that your daughter is in need of help. Forgive me for saying
this, but your daughter sounds like an incredibly smart individual who knows a
"cushy" setup when she sees one. While I appreciate the past efforts you have put in
toward attempting to break her of her self-centered lifestyle, I fear that each
time you have given in, she has only gained strength,
until now she is like the "alien" who has drunk so much of her parents energy
that she has grown to mammoth proportions with incredible strength! In order to break this truly destructive cycle that
she is on, you will have to take extreme measures. For example, a written contract that clearly states
your (I emphasize the word "YOUR") household rules that she must abide by in
order to benefit from your roof over her head is needed ASAP. Additionally, you
must be prepared to administer tough love in the form of helping pack her up to
go stay for a few days at a homeless shelter while she ponders her
choices. A critical point is that in order for her to be allowed to
return back to your home, she must have taken care of certain requirements
(i.e. apply for several jobs with written verification, etc.) You will
want to insure that your daughter does NOT have any keys to your home! Some of your requirements for living "under your roof"
that I would recommend you put in a contract would be - •
Getting a job within 2 months, and as long as she is
out of work, she needs to be volunteering her services in the many different
agencies in town. I always like having youth volunteer at homeless
shelters, animal shelters, Nursing Homes, etc. You can call the Police
Department for more ideas. •
She needs to give up her house key and if she comes
home after your requirement, she will have to stay at the local homeless
shelter. You must be prepared to call the police if she begins to be
disruptive enough to wake the neighbors. Your daughter will learn after
only one episode that you mean business this time! •
She needs to also be "earning her keep" by doing
chores around the house. One other thing, it is imperative, in order for you to
"save her life", that you do not give in to her selfish demand of "needing a car
so that she can be home on time"!!!! Whew, she is a wily one! Your
husband is most definitely correct in his assessment of the car issue. One other recommendation I might make would be that
you and your husband ought to go away for the weekend. You need to
require that your daughter stay elsewhere and you take the only keys to the
house with you! It sounds as if you would benefit from a much needed
break. These recommendations may seem harsh, but remember, if
you do nothing, you will soon have a 20-year-old,
21-year-old, 22-year-old ....who has no job. How long are you willing to
maintain this? I hope these thoughts have been helpful. Warm regards, Ellen |